Updated: Apr 5, 2019
The dark, lonely and frustrated emotions were all to familiar to me and the feelings of despair that hit me. During it all, it took so much of me (over and over again) to smile, laugh, love, trust life and carry on. To not become a victim of cancer.
I showed strength when at times I felt so weak. I showed positivity when all I wanted to do was scream “I f****in hate this!” I showed bravery when I was scared to death. I showed acceptance when I had feelings of disbelief! I showed perseverance when some days I wanted to just give up. What I showed, is precisely what my children, family and friends needed to see and believe in. What I needed to believe in. Although what I also needed was a place to release it all, sometimes every day, or weekly and then it happened. It was over, or so I thought. I was medically cancer free. I kept those feelings in. Did I miss my window? Or thought it didn’t really matter, or wasn’t really there? After all, I beat breast cancer, with a secondary tumour. Life as I knew it, was over that day, when darkness knocked and came crashing through. All the gruelling months of treatment, high level chemo, 25 rounds of radiation, bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction and everything else that comes along with cancer. It ended.
The day arrived, ten months later, and we all celebrated “It is over! Champagne for all!” I was like yes pop it!!! But not long after, I found myself saying: “What’s over? The treatments? The“torture”? The physical pain? The endless doctor appointments?” Everyone was like “you did it, you rocked it” now onward and upward “back to life”! I was like “now what the hell do I do?” and “who the hell am I?” The kicker was; it was such an amazing feeling to see everyone so happy and relieved that it was all done. They did not need to worry if I lived or died anymore. Nor did I. Or watch me in such pain. I was so very grateful to be alive. Thankfully, for them, it was over.
So who was I to say [or show] any different? They deserved this relief, they earned it, the time had finally come [for them]. I wasn’t taking that away form them. I had already put them through so much of their own pain. Me? A whole other story… I was physically healed, but, as it turned out, I was not emotionally free. That is what has brought me to this, to supporting and coaching, to bring awareness of whats inside you, during or after, hidden or right out there for all to see. It comes in all forms. Anger? Depression? Anxiety? Sadness? Lost sense of ones self? Little direction or focus? Afterward, I was not the same person I was before. How could I be? Who is? Wasn’t I supposed to have this new found sense of “live every moment to the fullest”? Yes in some ways it was, but not to the extent that I thought it would be. Or needed it to be. I was somewhat lost, confused, anxious and I did not trust my body. It betrayed me after all. I look different, I have the scars all over my torso to remind me every morning and every night of what happened. Yes, logically, they are badges of honour, scars of the battle I won. Damn life and logic, the inner soul fight. I was not internally aligned, what was happening? But, I carried on… I kept it in. One could say, I didn’t think the feelings should be there. I was wrong on that one. I didn't honour those uncertainties, the sadness, the fears, oh and the anger.
I say this to those who feel any of this, I say this to those feeling lost, uncertain. These feelings are real, they are to be paid attention to. Do not pretend they are not there. Listen to them. They do not lie. They need to be processed and then you can wholly heal. Ask for help. Asking for help shows strength, not weakness. Get it out, honour it all, get clarity, direction, get your zest for life, it’s waiting for you. Your life is to be cherished, inclusively of mind, body and spirit. In spite of everything you go through. I share this 10 years later. I’ve lived, I learned, I failed, I grew, I laughed, I cried and now I help others….I bring awareness, comfort, hope and help. The validation of how you feel, all of it. To guide and support you to move positively forward. It is real, it is raw, it is the voice within you. Listen to the whispers. There was nothing wrong with me. I just didn't listen to the whispers... till they became a scream...